Day 3...

Halfway to to the weekend, woo hoo! I started today with 2 scrambled eggs. I know it is a safe food, so I stick with it. For lunch I had my first temptation. Today was a company catered holiday meal. On the menu: Turkey, ham, stuffing, mashed potatoes, green beans, sweet potato caserole, rolls, pasta salad, broccoli salad, chocolate cake, other cake, banana pudding and our choice of water, tea, or punch to drink. I had several people tell me that I should just eat what I want and start back eating right tomorrow. That same stupid mentality is why I am huge and likely why some of those who told me that are too. I walked up to the line and asked for the shredded, dry turkey breast and green beans. Our site director asked if I didn't like the other stuff. I advised him that I love the other stuff, but was trying to cut back. He gave an approving look and told me he would give me extra green beans for the effort. I proceeded to take one scoop of broccoli salad. I didn't want much in case it had sugar in it. Judging by the great Italian-esque flavor with a slight hint of sweet, I'm glad I only got a small amount of it. I had never had that type of salad before. It had purple cauliflower, broccoli, cucumbers, grape tomatoes, onion and red peppers. I know I am going on and on about this salad, but I liked it ;-) A big container with Ice, water and big uncut strawberries sat on the drink table. I asked what it was and was told just water with strawberry "essence". After two glasses of the ice water all I could taste was the essence of water. I guess they thought just a subtle strawberry flavor would be infused in it similar to how a lemon slice will flavor water. It didn't, but it was better than soda. I was so proud of myself. No rolls, no desert and no huge portions!!!! The only issue I had today was my boss giving me 6 cans of Diet Mt. Dew (my favorite pop). I drank two of them over the 9 hours I was at work. I had tried to make my new rule 12 oz diet soda a day. Not gonna get too upset though. I did drink 50 oz of water and the soda was 0 calories and sugar free.

I can tell my relationship with God is stronger already. I have always had faith in God since a child and even more once I was saved in 2001, But I have never prayed and talked to God this much. It is that faith and prayer that is keeping me from craving my addiction of food. This way of eating (smaller portions, no flour and no sugar) is very similar to low carb dieting. Usually the 3rd day on low carb I am moody and craving EVERYTHING...but I'm not. A low carb diet is notorious for causing huge weight gains when you go off of it. The thing is though, it's really not low carb or protein loading that I am doing. I'm just avoiding flour and sugar. I am eating vegetables and lean protein. I have had oatmeal and skim milk (that is a low carb no-no). So I am confident that I am doing the right eating plan. Avoiding bread would be tough, but I know it is a trigger food with no nutritional value. Of course I am referring to enriched white bread. Having a six inch sub on 9 grain whole wheat bread at Subway I will have no problem eating. If the food is going to be good for my body/health, I will eat it. If it is useless to my body, like crackers, chips, cookies, etc..., I am not eating it.

Let me get to my first grocery trip of the new adventure. I had read and heard from many sources over the years that the outer walls of a grocery store is where all the food you should eat is. Today is the first day I remembered that while there and they are right. I hit the left wall for salad mix, green peppers and green onions. I proceeded to the back wall for lean turkey lunch meat, chicken breasts and ground turkey. Then we headed to the right wall for light cream cheese, shredded cheese and eggs. Of course I did have to go down the other aisles for canned chicken (easier for work), canned veggies and diet soda. I didn't need the diet soda, but as long as I limit it. I also realize that the canned veggies aren't as nutritionally packed as fresh, but with my schedule it is good enough. I plan on making a bun-less burger or meatloaf out of the ground turkey. Some cajun seasoned baked chicken tenders one night. Maybe some lemon pepper baked chicken tenders another night. I'm making a low fat cheese ball to eat on over this coming weekend. With these options along with my quick meals of tuna, canned chicken and veggies, I feel good about my food choices.

Enough for tonight. I'm tired and ready for bed. It's too soon to weigh or see a difference, but I can feel the difference. I thank God for realizing that He can help me and that I don't have to battle this on my own. This is about being addicted to food. I will break the addiction. I'm eating to live, not living to eat.

Day 2

I'll start by summing up yesterday's food intake. I kinda got carried away and forgot to put that yesterday when I posted. I had sugar free oatmeal, banana and small skim milk for breakfast. For lunch a pack of tuna and some carrots and broccoli. For dinner I had 3 boiled chicken tenders and about a cup of greens with cajun seasoning. Grand total of my calories was about 700 calories. Yes, that was too low, but I felt full and didn't see any reason to eat just to be eating.

Today was a good day. I am loving the testimonial OA podcasts. Just hearing familiar stories really helps me know I'm not alone. I did find out that OA back in the day had a meal plan, but now does not recommend any certain diet. The people that I have been listening to have been in OA for years, so they have been eating from the "greysheet" meal plan. This is no longer endorsed by OA, but it basically is a low carb meal plan. No flour and no sugar is the rule of thumb. This makes sense. Neither of these are nutritionally vital things. You can get fiber from veggies and natural sugars in fruits. From what I have read, the group advises members to get scales and measuring cups and exactly measure the meal. So I am not quite all in on that part yet. I have been eating from small bowls or plates. This should keep my portions in check.

Today I ate 2 scrambled eggs for breakfast. I know they are only 75 calories each and are a good protein source. Not worried too much on the fat/cholesterol with the new research showing the benefits are there too with eggs. For lunch I had 4 boiled chicken tenders and a cup of greens (leftovers ;-). Tonight I really didn't feel like cooking, so I made a quickie dinner. Half a can of chicken breast and a cup of green beans. I know the sodium in the canned chicken is crappy, but the 80 oz of water I drank today should help with that. So today's calorie total was about 700 calories again. I was aiming at getting 1500 - 1800 calories a day, but if I am not feeling hungry and not feeling bad I don't see the point in making myself eat more. This may come back to bite me, but for now I see no issue.

I want to add exercise in to my routine, but I'm nervous to do so. Sunday's asthma attack and Monday's soreness and chest aches when I would take a deep breath have got me thinking twice. I know that I will be fine for a moderate walk. Sadly, that is about all I can do at this time. At 400+ pounds my body is not suitable for more than walking or some light weight lifting. Unfortunately, the weather is crappy for a walk and I can't stay after work to use the gym since I need to be home with my kids while Crystal deals with work and school. If I ever can afford it, I am going to get a family membership to the local fitness center for us.

Well, I guess I'm done. I said I wasn't going to post much this time around, but you can scratch that. This is my outlet to talk about what is on my mind without boring the wife and kids. One day at a time I am taking it. Day two is about in the books, I will worry about tomorrow when I wake (God willing I will wake). G'night.

What I learned today or Another fresh start

God,
Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change the things I can
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

Amen.

This is the Serenity Prayer that all recovery groups use. Yesterday I found an Overeaters Anonymous podcast with testimonials from male members. I did some research and pretty much helped confirm what I already knew. I am a compulsive overeater. I fiend for food the way that an alcoholic would fiend for a drink. I am not going to say that my addictions to food is as harmful as drugs or alcohol, but it is killing me and hurting my family too. As I read the prayer and listened to the testimonials, it clicked. I have been doing things with an emphasis on dieting and losing weight. The issue runs so much deeper than this. I am addicted to the euphoric feeling that food and eating gives me. Even though I feel terrible after I eat a lot (which was most of the time), the worries seemed to go away as I enjoyed the food. Then, when I got bummed I would just eat more and suppress those feelings. Today I am treating the foods that trigger my addiction as a drug. If I can't control myself with these foods, I don't want it in my body or in the house.

When I was a small kid, I hummed when I ate (per my mom and sister). At 4 or 5 I was feeling pleasure from eating. It's no wonder I am so large today. I am not going to let anyone know what I am doing. Seems to be the more people you tell that you are doing a certain "diet", the more that either criticize it or wait to gloat when you fail. I will now let God help me. I always think that my weight loss adventure is too trivial to pray over or ask for God's help, but not now. I am dying faster with each day that passes me by as a morbidly obese man. As I helped carry my Aunt's casket to the grave, I went into an asthma attack. I barely made it the whole way only to step away from the funeral to take an inhaler puff and get my weezing to quiet. Today, a day later, my shoulders and body aches and my lungs hurt whenever I take a deep breath. All that from just walking with 7 other men helping pall bearing at a funeral. Then I think about how huge my casket would be if I die this big. How huge the funeral cost would be. How there aren't enough strong guys in my family that could lift my casket to carry to it's grave. Can you imagine needing a ditch digger with chains around my casket to move me from the hearse to my grave?! No way! I refuse. I will lose this weight one day at a time.

There was a man during a testimonial I listened to that had a saying that got him through the tough times (besides the prayer). "Thin tomorrow or fat forever". He explained that his choice was to stay the course and become thin or fail and be fat forever since ultimately he would be dying a fat person. I like it and have it posted in my cubicle at work.

I've went over enough of what I am doing/thinking for today. Let me close with my starting weight for the contest that started today. It is my heaviest weight ever, but it will not last for long. I will succeed in losing over 150 pounds!

403 pounds

Nothing to it but to do it. That's all for now.

Funeral today...

Today was my Aunt's funeral. I'm gonna miss her very much, but know that she is in a better place. Not going to make this about anything else on this blog today. I'm just thankful to have a strong loving family. For as many tears that were shed, there were almost as many smiles while we reflected on her life. Rest in peace Aunt Ann.

Update...

Before I get into the weight loss stuff, I want to post something else. This past Thursday was Thanksgiving and around 2:30am I found out my Aunt had passed away. She was 72 years old, never had any medical issues that were major and was my mother's only sister. She had spoke to my mom (who lives next door) the afternoon before and had told her she had baked her pumpkin pies and was going to sit back and relax. At 2am her grandson who lived with her came in from work and found her passed away in her recliner. Apparently she had just fell asleep watching tv and passed in her sleep. We will all miss Anna Glynn, but she was a devout Christian who I know is with our Lord in Heaven.

So this being said, it reminds me even more to hold my priorities in order. Faith, family, friends and all the other stuff just falls where it falls. No doubt the decades of gravy, fried foods and snack cakes undoubtedly led to arteries being clogged and other health issues for my aunt, but with her never going to a doctor they were never found. I am in far worse health at 33 than my aunt was. She was just overweight...not obese.

I found out at work last week we are having another Biggest Loser type contest. Of course I was all about joining. No matter how off course I get on my weight loss adventure, I never stop thinking about it or making some right decisions to help me. Of course the bad me seen it doesn't start until the 29th, so I have ate without caution all week. Now I pay an embarrassing cost for all that sugar, salt and fat. That bloating I have, along with general weight gain, has made all my clothes that are funeral appropriate VERY tight. I will be a pall bearer at my aunt's funeral and only hope not to split my pants during the ceremony. This has been the ultimate smack in the face to make me even more aware how serious my food compulsion and weight issue is.

Beginning Monday I will not be writing big huge posts daily on here. I think that making my eating plan and weight loss such a huge life consuming focus is actually causing some sort of burnout that is sabotaging me. Instead, I will post any major events that may be on my mind and my successes. My starting weigh in weight I will post and maybe a goal for the next weigh in. I did order a new book that tells the story from a man who has lost 200 pounds and has kept it off 20 years. It is called Goodbye Fat Guy! by Starke Taylor. It should be here beginning of the week.

That's all for now. My latest attempt begins the 29th. All I can do is keep moving forward and not give up.

November 7th

I stayed the course 2 days. Then proceeded to go to a bakery outlet for bread and left with honeybuns and other sweet crap. After all, crap is all it is. High fat, high calories and high suger. Yes, delicious crap while eating it, but then the guilt and self loathing begins. I regret that I ate that stuff the past 2 days. I also regret eating pizza today during the football games and snacking on the kid's Halloween candy. I hate myself so much. That is the only explanation I have as to why I would sabotage my weight loss adventure. I don't know what to say or do. Every week is a new start. Every night I say I will do it this time. What a failure. As I look online at vacation ideas (daydreaming for next year), I am constantly reminded and inspired that I need to lose weight so I can enjoy theme parks, beaches and other fun things. Yet a minute later I am munching on a fun size candy bar.

I don't know, maybe it's more than loving food. Stress from work maybe. Issues at home and in marriage maybe. Lack of a hobby or interest outside of work maybe. All I know is my health, family and social insecurities should be more than enough to keep my on course...but it hasn't been.

The closest Overeaters Anonymous meeting is an hour away and during the time I'd be at work. I can't take off work or I'd commit myself into a fat farm. I'd consider wiring my jaw shut at this point.

Alas, I am my own man. I have handled the death of a child and my dad. I have handled a bad few years of my marriage. I am there for my family and for my mom thru all her medical problems. So there is no reason why I can't handle losing 150 pounds!

You guessed it, here I go again starting first thing in the morning. Just have to keep trying and have the attitude that this will be the successful attempt I am needing.

NOVEMBER 2ND

Can I just start new...again? No need to rehash the same crap. So here is a quick recap to bring you up to speed.

I got motivated to lose weight.
I stayed motivated and lost good amount of weight.
I took my Birthday in July off to eat what I want.
I stayed off the healthy eating/living for over 2 months instead of just 1 day.
I gained all the weight back.
I got desire to lose weight again.
Actually 3 times or more since.
Each attempt lasted only one day each.

So, here I am again. I have decided next August I want to go to school to work on becoming a nurse. One major hiccup is the fact I weigh 397-400 lbs right now. Obviously, I can't be this huge and unhealthy and be able to help others or even stay on my feet at a hospital for 12-16 hours a day. So besides my chest hurting, high risks of diabetes/heart disease/high blood pressure and cancer, odds of dying within next ten years, social prejudices against us fatties, my own insecurities and low self esteem, marital/parenting issues that my weight causes and the hundred other negatives...I can add inability to change careers if I stay morbidly obese.

I toyed with the idea of going to a low carb diet again. My experience with that though is gaining weight back superquick even if just one or two meals have bread/carbs. Yes I know you should never go off of it, but human nature is that I will eat bread or pasta and I shouldn't gain a weeks worth weight loss after just 2 meals. So not doing that again. It is a quick way to lose weight and I know it is the answer to many, but not totally for me.

I considered weight watchers so that me and Chloe can have meetings and structure to help. The only drawbacks are keeping track of points I eat and getting to a meeting. Then add to that a weekly fee on a tight paycheck to paycheck budget. So not it.

Slim fast or another shake diet was thought of. Then I realized I couldn't stay on it since I like food. nixed that one quick.

So, here I am wondering what approach to take. Didn't take long to realize what I had to do. Common sense healthy eating just like how I started this months ago. No rules, just smaller portions, less bread and sugars, less diet sodas and more veggies and fruits. No fried or fatty crap either.

Going to weigh in the morning at work. Going to walk on breaks.

Here we go again, wish me luck!