I ate crap today. Lots of it. Ice cream, white bread, big dinner with tons of carbs and butter, you get the picture. Even drank a regular Coke. I'm in an emotional funk, physically spent and just all together not myself. I hate the fact that I had a chance to take a permanent lay off 18 months ago where I would have gotten 2 years of schooling and unemployment since my job went overseas and didn't take it. Instead I apply to keep a job only to hear this week that eventually it will be gone, but since not going overseas I probably won't get near that same package. I cannot stand the fact that people I have worked with/for over the last several years don't even think enough of me to so much as to smile or wave when they see me in public. Of course that is most likely because I am one of the most easy to forget or not know people ever...always have been. I am disgusted with myself for not being able to keep the motivation or self control to not eat crap. I bend over backwards to do things that others in my life need or want and ignore what I would rather do...at no time does anyone ask what I need or want. I am just here to play a part in a life that should be way different. Oh how I wish that I could go somewhere far away, where no one could find me and just focus on me for a few days...or weeks. But alas, I will keep on like a drone or worker bee and keep smiling and faking that I am that happy go lucky funny nice guy. Because that's what makes everyone comfortable and happy...everyone but me. Of course I could just be at my snapping point tonight and will wake up and feel refreshed and good to go. Or I have finally just had my fill of the crap I have allowed to build up in my life and this is the breaking point I have needed to make a change. Guess we'll see.
For anyone who may read this, sorry it's such a dark post. I needed to vent and I didn't have anywhere else to get all this off my chest. Didn't want to bother the few friends I have with this stuff and family doesn't really care to hear it either. Hope to have something better for tomorrow, but no guarantees. Take care friends.
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