Lets just say that I "eased" into getting back on course. Okay, I have put good habits off until tomorrow. In fact up until an hour before the Biggest Loser show, I was eating pizza and last night I had my final (for a little bit at least) ice cream. Just wanted any possible stupid cravings stifled so that I wouldn't fall off the right path. Yes, that is against the whole thing I have mentioned before about excuses. You know, the "I'll start Monday", "I just need to get all my cravings ate before I start" and all those other procrastinating BS excuses. So I have acknowledged I have a problem (for several years now) and my most recent, and what needs to be final, lifestyle change to healthy living begins now.
Let me recap.
I had my head on straight. I was losing weight at a steady pace. My body was feeling good. I had more energy. Clothes fit me better and I went down in size. All was good in my journey. Then I took a day off on my birthday July 9th to eat what I wanted. That day has now lasted over 2 months.
I now weigh 397lbs. My chest hurts several times a week. Its hard to breath after bending over to tie my shoes or pick up something. I have had more bouts of depression and self loathing than I ever had in my life. My stress is high and my self esteem is low. I feel the worst physically, mentally and emotionally than I ever have before. If I were to be diagnosed with diabetes, heart disease or any other obesity related disease/disorder, I would not be shocked. If I don't wake up tomorrow, my family shouldn't be shocked. In case you aren't picking up the vibe, I am scared for the first time ever. I have been concerned for years, but it's way past that now.
So enough of the dreary. Here is what I am going to do.
1. Eat healthy food choices
2. Stick with recommended healthy portion sizes
3. Be active
4. Take it one hour at a time and not focus so much on the mountain of lbs to lose
No more weekly goal. I'll weigh weekly to make sure still on track, but I am not going to set a weight to be at by a certain date. Any weight lost is good for my health and self confidence. I am doing this first for my health (I want to avoid the diseases that my mom suffers from. I'm not wanting to die in my early 30s and be buried in a double wide casket that will have to take both mine and my wife's burial plots to fit me in.) I am doing this for superficial reasons (I want to feel good about my looks. I want to be able to buy clothes at "regular" size stores. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.) I am doing this for my wife (I don't want her to feel like she is stuck with a fatty husband that she is secretly embarrassed of. I want her to actually want to do "stuff" with me and not be disgusted at the thought of it. She would never say these things are true, but I don't see how they couldn't be.) I am doing this for my kids (I don't want them to be ashamed of having a huge dad. I want to ride amusement park rides, go-karts and just play with my kids without wanting to go sit in the house.) I want to lose weight while my mom is alive to see me do it. I want this soooo much. I hate myself right now. I want to change that and find my real self. The Mike that I can be happy to be. More to come tomorrow.
Mike's progress
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
Again, because there's no other choice...
On July 9th, my 33rd birthday, I took a day off from my healthy eating. That one day has now lasted almost 2 months. I have not weighed in a long time, but judging by how my clothes fit me now I would say I have gained all of the weight back that I have lost. I am ashamed of how I lost focus, desire and motivation and let myself fall off track again. As I eat a chocolate Zinger (or 3), Chloe comes walking down the hall with one. How can I say don't eat that, when I'm the one who buys them and eats them in front of her. When I order a 20oz steak, how can I tell her that she should order a grilled chicken salad instead of a steak. So I don't. So now she is dealing with the same crappy weight loss adventure I am...er was on. Since my last post, I had a bout with planters fascitis (I think that's how it's spelled). Basically, heal spurs and my weight caused tendons in my foot to pull causing pain when I put my weight on my left foot. Also, my feet hurt just from walking around 1 store now. Every few minutes while mowing, I have to take a break due to getting chest discomfort and feeling shaky. My shirts are snug and 2 pair of my shorts barely button. Gone is the fruit, veggies and lean gourmet meals for work. The kitchen is now stocked with bread, lunch meats, snack cakes and chips. The water filter on the faucet has not been used in weeks as I have been chugging the diet soda (yep, still drinking diet since was raised on it as a kid). I feel like such a failure. To myself, my wife and my kids. I know that it's hurting them. I also have realized that it will be so hard to find another job if I had to at my size. Weight Watchers is $40 a month so I thought of joining, but I am not sure I will have the time...or funds to do it long term. I have got to find the on ramp back to the right path of my (and Chloe's) weight loss adventure.
Tomorrow is Labor day. Our plan is to go hang with my mom. We're making homemade tacos and playing games. She will have a homemade peach cobbler for us too. Every holiday has to include meal plans. Here is what I am going to do. I will eat two tacos, not 4 or 5. I will make them modestly and not use huge portions of beef and cheese in them. I will have a 4 bite piece of cobbler, not a 1/4th of the pan of it she has made. Before heading home, me and the family will go for a walk at either the park or our walking track at the cemetery by Mom's house.
Wednesday is our grocery day. No cakes, chips or other crap foods on the list. Me and Chloe will have salads, white meat, veggies, fruits and whole grain foods to eat on. I will keep the Diet Mt.Dew as my crutch. It's fall of the year almost and me and the family have plenty of weeks to go on walks before the cold winter days are here. I am bringing home my copy of Half Assed to start reading again.
I am a food addict. I love the taste of food. I love how I feel when I eat a good meal. Then I hate how I feel after I eat a non healthy meal. I hate the bloated feeling I get. I hate knowing it just made me stay fat another few hours just by eating it. I hate knowing that I let down myself and family by eating it. So....I eat something delicious (and bad for me) and get that euphoric feeling again and start the whole cycle again. An alcoholic can go to AA. A drug addict can go to NA. A food addict can go to OA, unless they live in they sticks of KY like I do where it isn't offered. So, with the exception of a weight watcher meeting that is $40 a month or a doctor who can write me a Adipex prescription, not much external support readily available. I have a gym at work I can use, but I only have 3 hours a night with my kids and the wife is in college for the first time so between helping with kids and trying to be here for her, I can't afford an hour in the gym a day. My support system will have to be my blog, the internet, family and God. I am more scared than ever that I will die within the next few years if I don't lose my weight. At 33 I feel tired, depressed, aches and pains that I should not feel.
So, here I go again. The tank is full, the tires are checked and I got the right directions. Today (it is after midnight I just noticed), is the first day of the rest of my life. Yes that is an old and often overused cliche, but it's true. I'm not allowing myself a day off this time. I am not making an excuse as to why it will be okay to eat crap. Wish me luck and pray for me to succeed this time...if anyone does happen to read this.
Tomorrow is Labor day. Our plan is to go hang with my mom. We're making homemade tacos and playing games. She will have a homemade peach cobbler for us too. Every holiday has to include meal plans. Here is what I am going to do. I will eat two tacos, not 4 or 5. I will make them modestly and not use huge portions of beef and cheese in them. I will have a 4 bite piece of cobbler, not a 1/4th of the pan of it she has made. Before heading home, me and the family will go for a walk at either the park or our walking track at the cemetery by Mom's house.
Wednesday is our grocery day. No cakes, chips or other crap foods on the list. Me and Chloe will have salads, white meat, veggies, fruits and whole grain foods to eat on. I will keep the Diet Mt.Dew as my crutch. It's fall of the year almost and me and the family have plenty of weeks to go on walks before the cold winter days are here. I am bringing home my copy of Half Assed to start reading again.
I am a food addict. I love the taste of food. I love how I feel when I eat a good meal. Then I hate how I feel after I eat a non healthy meal. I hate the bloated feeling I get. I hate knowing it just made me stay fat another few hours just by eating it. I hate knowing that I let down myself and family by eating it. So....I eat something delicious (and bad for me) and get that euphoric feeling again and start the whole cycle again. An alcoholic can go to AA. A drug addict can go to NA. A food addict can go to OA, unless they live in they sticks of KY like I do where it isn't offered. So, with the exception of a weight watcher meeting that is $40 a month or a doctor who can write me a Adipex prescription, not much external support readily available. I have a gym at work I can use, but I only have 3 hours a night with my kids and the wife is in college for the first time so between helping with kids and trying to be here for her, I can't afford an hour in the gym a day. My support system will have to be my blog, the internet, family and God. I am more scared than ever that I will die within the next few years if I don't lose my weight. At 33 I feel tired, depressed, aches and pains that I should not feel.
So, here I go again. The tank is full, the tires are checked and I got the right directions. Today (it is after midnight I just noticed), is the first day of the rest of my life. Yes that is an old and often overused cliche, but it's true. I'm not allowing myself a day off this time. I am not making an excuse as to why it will be okay to eat crap. Wish me luck and pray for me to succeed this time...if anyone does happen to read this.
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