On July 9th, my 33rd birthday, I took a day off from my healthy eating. That one day has now lasted almost 2 months. I have not weighed in a long time, but judging by how my clothes fit me now I would say I have gained all of the weight back that I have lost. I am ashamed of how I lost focus, desire and motivation and let myself fall off track again. As I eat a chocolate Zinger (or 3), Chloe comes walking down the hall with one. How can I say don't eat that, when I'm the one who buys them and eats them in front of her. When I order a 20oz steak, how can I tell her that she should order a grilled chicken salad instead of a steak. So I don't. So now she is dealing with the same crappy weight loss adventure I am...er was on. Since my last post, I had a bout with planters fascitis (I think that's how it's spelled). Basically, heal spurs and my weight caused tendons in my foot to pull causing pain when I put my weight on my left foot. Also, my feet hurt just from walking around 1 store now. Every few minutes while mowing, I have to take a break due to getting chest discomfort and feeling shaky. My shirts are snug and 2 pair of my shorts barely button. Gone is the fruit, veggies and lean gourmet meals for work. The kitchen is now stocked with bread, lunch meats, snack cakes and chips. The water filter on the faucet has not been used in weeks as I have been chugging the diet soda (yep, still drinking diet since was raised on it as a kid). I feel like such a failure. To myself, my wife and my kids. I know that it's hurting them. I also have realized that it will be so hard to find another job if I had to at my size. Weight Watchers is $40 a month so I thought of joining, but I am not sure I will have the time...or funds to do it long term. I have got to find the on ramp back to the right path of my (and Chloe's) weight loss adventure.
Tomorrow is Labor day. Our plan is to go hang with my mom. We're making homemade tacos and playing games. She will have a homemade peach cobbler for us too. Every holiday has to include meal plans. Here is what I am going to do. I will eat two tacos, not 4 or 5. I will make them modestly and not use huge portions of beef and cheese in them. I will have a 4 bite piece of cobbler, not a 1/4th of the pan of it she has made. Before heading home, me and the family will go for a walk at either the park or our walking track at the cemetery by Mom's house.
Wednesday is our grocery day. No cakes, chips or other crap foods on the list. Me and Chloe will have salads, white meat, veggies, fruits and whole grain foods to eat on. I will keep the Diet Mt.Dew as my crutch. It's fall of the year almost and me and the family have plenty of weeks to go on walks before the cold winter days are here. I am bringing home my copy of Half Assed to start reading again.
I am a food addict. I love the taste of food. I love how I feel when I eat a good meal. Then I hate how I feel after I eat a non healthy meal. I hate the bloated feeling I get. I hate knowing it just made me stay fat another few hours just by eating it. I hate knowing that I let down myself and family by eating it. So....I eat something delicious (and bad for me) and get that euphoric feeling again and start the whole cycle again. An alcoholic can go to AA. A drug addict can go to NA. A food addict can go to OA, unless they live in they sticks of KY like I do where it isn't offered. So, with the exception of a weight watcher meeting that is $40 a month or a doctor who can write me a Adipex prescription, not much external support readily available. I have a gym at work I can use, but I only have 3 hours a night with my kids and the wife is in college for the first time so between helping with kids and trying to be here for her, I can't afford an hour in the gym a day. My support system will have to be my blog, the internet, family and God. I am more scared than ever that I will die within the next few years if I don't lose my weight. At 33 I feel tired, depressed, aches and pains that I should not feel.
So, here I go again. The tank is full, the tires are checked and I got the right directions. Today (it is after midnight I just noticed), is the first day of the rest of my life. Yes that is an old and often overused cliche, but it's true. I'm not allowing myself a day off this time. I am not making an excuse as to why it will be okay to eat crap. Wish me luck and pray for me to succeed this time...if anyone does happen to read this.
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