i'm back...

So I took a hiatus from blogging and now am paying for it. I broke from my no flour/no sugar rule Friday December 24th (Christmas Eve) and ate crap thru the weekend. Today I sorta got back on it. No breakfast, beef roast and veggies for dinner and then popcorn and dark chocolate for snack. Not the greatest day, but not disastrous. I will be better tomorrow. Nothing else to say. G'night!

Day 18...

Once again, this will be a brief post. I avoided all pizza at work today. Then I avoided cake. So a good day. No breakfast due to cafe at work closed. Lunch was can chicken and beans. Dinner 3 eggs and 7 strips turkey bacon. For a snack 2 cans of sardines. Total calories were about 1200. That's all I got for tonight.

Day 17

Christmas team party at work today. Pizza and sweets for all...but not me! I had hot wings (no carbs) and unsweetened tea. Breakfast was my 2 eggs of course. Dinner was a chicken salad at McDonalds and two plain burger patties with no bun. Total calories were about 2200...way too many, but at least I avoided flour and sugar. Unfortunately though, too much fat and calories. I wasted about 1200 calories just on the wings. At least I didn't eat cookies or pizza.

Nothing else big happened today so guess I'm done for the night. Lonely around here without the kids. They are at mom's due to possible ice storm coming and is dangerous driving to mom's in bad weather to drop them off before work. I just hope it doesn't get too bad to drive in. I really can't miss work and don't want to be in another wreck this year! I can't wait to take Chloe out to celebrate her birthday this weekend (her Bday is 22nd, but we give her the weekend before Christmas to have her time since we work on her birthday usually). That's it for now.

Day 16

Today was weigh in day at work. Total lost this week was 6.4 pounds. A grand total of 24.4 pounds I have lost since in the past 2 weeks! This morning I had my usual 2 eggs and also added a tray of cantaloupe for some fruit that I have been missing. Lunch was a pack of tuna and lettuce. Dinner was 1 turkey burger and half slice of cheese with some grilled onions on it. Snack was the last serving of my sugar free dark chocolate bars. I would approximate my calories for today to be around 850.

That's all for tonight...Biggest Loser finale is tonight, so gonna log off and watch it before bed.

Day 15

When all was said and done, we got around 8 inches of snow today. I called in since my rear wheel drive car has no weight in the back and fishtails in this stuff. Crystal did the same, only to be called by boss at 9 and told she had to come in. This jump started me to shoveling a driveway and walkway. Then cleared two cars and had them warmed up by 9:20. So there was my morning cardio workout ;-) Me and the kids just lounged around most of the day. I did watch a documentary called Foodmatters. Basically it said to eat more organic fruits and veggies, eat them raw, drink veggie juices and take plenty of essential vitamins. They revealed studies that show vitamin c in super high doses can cure cancer. That Niacin can cure depression. And that 2 handfulls of cashews daily can help like a prozac with no bad health effects. The experts on it advised a meal with 51-80% raw veggies and fruits each time you eat and take more than what is said to be recommended allowance of vitamins and this will heal you of disease. It was radical, but it did make a lot of sense. How drug companies pay millions a year lobbying government to vote/see things their way, so that would explain why a solution to disease as easy as nutrition and vitamins would never be recommended by doctors or government. I doubt I will be a vegetarian, but I am going to purchase some vitamins and more veggies to eat. I buy into alot of what they said.

A snow day at home in the past, especially without Crystal giving support, would mean eat all day. Not today! 2 eggs and 2 strips turkey bacon for breakfast. 2 grilled turkey burger patties with one slice cheese and onions for lunch. For dinner I had a small caesar salad with parmasan cheese and the last of my roast turkey from Saturday. Total calories were about 1300. Good day except for the lack of water I drank...which was 0 ounces. Tomorrow I'll do better!

Day 14

Alright, it is very snowy and cold out. About 3 inches so far and more to come. The roads at 3 were slick and wet looking with 25 degree temp. So now at 8:30 they are snow covered and I'm sure that wet look from earlier has made a nice sheet of ice under the snow that covers it. I have already about counted on taking an occurance at work and calling in tomorrow...Crystal feeling the same way. If nothing else, I will take a tardy and go in after the road crews can clear the roads. School is out for the kids, so it will suck traveling that county road to get to mom's house to drop them off if we do go to work. Oh well, will figure all that out tomorrow morning.

Today I stayed hungry and battled food hour by hour. I woke to have some turkey with cheese. Lunch was a caesar salad with turkey and dinner, you guessed it, turkey with cheese. I also had a serving of sugar free dark chocolate, which I regret buying. once they are gone I will buy no more. It is an addictive food and I have made it a practice not to eat addictive foods. My total calories so far (as I may have a snack of turkey in a few hours) is about 1500.

That's about it. I pray tomorrow is a good day. That the Lord keeps us safe, warm and happy.

Days 11 12 and 13

yep, was slacking and forgot to post.

Lets take the days in order.
Day 11 (Thursday)
Can't really remember much, but I'll try. breakfast was 2 eggs, lunch was pack of tuna and dinner was 2 eggs and 4 sausage patties. A snack of turkey and cheese ended my eating for the night. total calories about 1000. Then I watched the Colts beat the Titans on Thursday night football. Since I don't have NFL Network, I found it online...from a Swedish television broadcast that was streaming. The game was still NFL Network, but all the commercials were for foreign companies and products. Was pretty funny.

Day 12 (Friday)
2 eggs for breakfast and then at noon when I left work the temptation began. Me and mom went to an Italian restaurant that has my favorite food...huge strombolis and calzones. Not to mention a huge display case of gourmet cakes and pies. We were seated at the table right next to the cakes!!! I ate with my back to them. For my meal, I had the greek salad with grilled chicken and low fat ranch on the side. I passed on the bread sticks and survived watching mom eat a steak and cheese stromboli. I felt AWESOME afterwards for being so good! For dinner, me and Crystal went to Applebee's while Chloe and Austin were with friends. I had a 10 piece order of hot wings (yes, higher calories and fat, but no sugar or flour). No fries, no cheese sticks and no eating off of Crystals plate. Total calories for Friday was abut 1600.

Day 13 (Today)
No breakfast, grilled chicken caesar salad and dinner will be baked turkey on a homemade caesar salad. Estimated calories will be about 1400. Most of these calories will be from the caesar dressing and shredded cheese.

Not much to speak of. I avoided bad stuff again today at that same restaurant from yesterday since we ended up there again today. I am proud of myself. My Colts sweatshirt that I was too big for last month fit me perfect today. My pants fall off of me even with my belt. I just feel good! One day at a time and with the good Lords help I am succeeding. Without praying for help and taking it day by day, I would not be doing this good.

That's enough for today. Later...

Day 10

Was tempted by a few people to eat crap food today. Was criticized a bit for not eating flour or sugar. Misery loves company I suppose. My biggest loser buddies talk about food all day long. They lust over recipes and reflections of meals past like they are talking about a lover. Today our work team discussed what pizza they want at our meeting next week. When they asked what I like, I politely advised them I would not be eating any. That's when everyone was saying stuff like "you can eat a piece" or "thin crust is okay". So to shut everyone up, I advised them I didn't eat flour and sugar. Of course there were the "I couldn't go without bread" and the "I'm not going to deprive myself of foods". I told them that I eat lean meat, veggies, fruits and soups. Heck, I'd be fine eating a whole grain bread or pita if I wanted it because it's not just nutritionally useless white flour. The key word is WANT. I do not want crap. I have broke addiction to Italian bread loaves, muffins, bagels, doughnuts, cookies and all the other crap that I was addicted to that was slowly killing me. I do not want to eat double and triple portion sizes. I do not want to snack just out of boredom. I want to be a healthy and at a size closer to what God intended me to be. I want to have the health to run and play with my kids. I want to fit in amusement park rides with my family. I want to buy my clothes from regular stores and in the mens sections, not big and tall section. I want to sit at a booth without my belly divided in half by the table. I want to feel confidence in my looks. I want...much more than food.

Okay, that's what was on my mind. Now I'll wind this thing down.

Two eggs for breakfast, can of chicken and green beans for lunch, couple spoons of cheese ball and a pack of tuna for dinner. Total calories were around 600. Too low I know, but I am tired and too late to eat.

g'night

Day 9

This is gonna be quick...its 11pm on a worknight!

Weigh in was today, I lost 18 pounds!

Ate 2 eggs brkfst, turkey cheeseburger for lunch w/some veggies (no bun of course on burger), 3 eggs and turkey lunch meat for dinner and 5 turkey meatballs for a snack. Total calories for the day was about 1100.

Considered switching to counting fat grams instead of avoiding flour and sugar, but decided to keep doing what I'm doing.

Thats all for tonight, later!

Day 8

Got off on the wrong foot this morning. Wasn't able to get scrambled eggs and the only thing non flour or sugar laden was bacon. I ate four strips and called it breakfast. Obviously, it was fine for the low carb approach, but I hadn't ate greasy foods this whole week. I paid for it with a sick feeling for a couple hours. Lunch was a can of chicken breast and green beans. Finally, for dinner I passed on spaghetti and meatballs. Instead I opted for a good size turkey cheeseburger with 2 strips of turkey bacon...and a little cheeseball. Total calories about 1000.

Tomorrow is my day I picked to weigh in on the same scales at work. I am taking things one day at a time, but am hoping for a good 1 week weight loss. Nothing else happened to write of, so time to log off. Later

Day 6 and 7

I got carried away and forgot to post yesterday, so I will make this a double header.

day 6...
Saturday we fell under the first winter weather advisory of the year. Of course we didn't get anything more than a dusting of snow that turned to just a foggy cold day. About 2:30 we took Chloe to a friends birthday party. Me and Crystal thought we'd just take Austin to McD's to have a happy meal and play a little while Chloe was partying it up. So I indulged in a large and delicious...diet soda. Watching them eat wasn't hard at all. If anything it was just the habit of wanting to grab one of Austin's fries and smell of the food that even remotely tempted me. No, I am in a zone. A zone I will have to stay in for the rest of my life if I am to lose the weight, change my mentality on food and add years to my life. Nothing much else to speak of. Went to a few stores to waste time, got Chloe and headed home.

Now for a recap on Saturdays foods/calories. Breakfast was 2 scrambled eggs and 2 strips of turkey bacon. Lunch was 2 servings of baked round steak with sauted onions and mushrooms in worcestershire sauce. Yep, 2 servings. I pigged out, but I'm fine with that. They were trimmed of all fat and baked in oven. I also had a salad on the side instead of some starchy item. For dinner I had another serving of round steak and another salad. Also had a good portion of the lowfat cheeseball I made. Total calories were about 1800. More than usual, but right in line with recommended calories for my size.

Day 7
Today was a decent day. Weatherwise it was dreary with spitting flurries and cold temps. Inside was cozy. I made us scrambled eggs with mushrooms along with turkey bacon. I always make the turkey bacon on paper towels in the microwave. That soaks up what little fat is in each strip. For lunch I fixed turkey burgers and a side salad. I made one mega patty stuffed with a serving of cheese. It was about 2 to 3 servings. Along with a side salad, that was the last meal I had...at around 3 pm. I snacked on a wedge of cheeseball around 5, but no more meals for the day. I feel good tonight as I type this. My calories were about 1100 and I'm not hungry.

I won't get specific, especially after discussing food, but I have had an issue today. Four times I have had an upset belly today. I can only assume by the look of "things" that it is due to the frequent salads and fat that I am losing leaving my body. I am not worried, nor am I feeling sick, but it is odd. Usually when I don't eat many carbs I also don't go that often. I guess I should be happy knowing that the veggies I am eating is giving me the fiber I need or at least a good part of it. Yesterday I was concerned about something else. While slicing onions for lunch I had to stop and sit down. My chest had a weird ache, like a dull pain, right in the middle of it. I broke out into a cold sweat and felt a wave of nausea come over me. I couldn't tell if it was my heart. Couldn't tell if my pulse was high or heart rate was odd. All I know is if I were to have kept standing at the counter I am sure I would have passed out. After 10 minutes I was fine, but I didn't feel right for hours after. This further reiterated to myself how close to heart attack or death I am with being morbidly obese. More fuel to succeed in this weight loss adventure.

Well, Colts lost today and it's already pushing 10:30pm so I am off to bed. I have read 3 chapters in that new book Goodbye Fat Guy and would like to read another before I fall asleep. So far from what I've read, he lost his weight counting fat grams. I am just watching calories and abstaining from foods with flour or sugar in them. It's funny, when I first seen the pics in the book I was a little turned off. Not from his weight loss pics, but from pics of him in all these fancy and expensive vacation locations he has been to. Obviously, that is very bad of me to be jealous and envious thinking he was loaded and I was just a paycheck to paycheck guy. After that stupid moment passed, I had the realization that no matter how well to do this guy was it didn't help his weight loss. He had the same struggles that plague an obese person as me or anyone else. He never brags in his book, he just so happens to have lots of pics scuba diving, chilling at a beach side venue and Hawaii that I was envious of momentarily. I am still in his story of being fat, I think this coming chapter he gives his plan of action he took.

Even though he counts fat grams and focuses on that, I am happy with what I am doing. I don't follow a low carb Atkins diet plan. I don't eat butter or fatty foods. I don't eat anything fried. My protein sources are eggs, lean round steak, ground turkey, chicken breast (boneless/skinless) and turkey. I eat all types of vegetables. I do have some potatoes (like in the veggie soup I ate), but recognize they are very starchy so I haven't had them often. Everything is baked or grilled. Really the only thing that I eat that is "bad" would be my 160 calories worth of scrambled eggs I have for breakfast. They are high in cholesterol and fat, but at the same point that is the only food item I eat that has those amounts. I have to think that my body is getting more benefits from them than any bad effects.

I weighed today at home. I have said I would only weigh once a week and we (the BL contest friends) picked Tuesdays to be that day...but I couldn't weight. So here is the disclosure. I know scales weigh different place to place. I weigh at work on digital shipping type scales that have a huge weight capacity. My scales at home are digital Conair Weight Watchers brand scales that go up to 390lbs (or in that neighborhood). The time of day will effect your weight since you have more fluid (and any foods/drinks) in your body and organs later in the day. Also, at home I usually am not in jeans and tennis shoes. So, now that all that has been said, I weighed at 11am after eating my eggs and bacon and drinking a 16oz bottle of water. I wore jogging pants with a t shirt and was barefoot. The scale read 382. So even if you add a pound for some heavy shoes, that would be 24 pound loss since Monday. Even if you take of 2 pounds for difference in scales, that is still over 20 pounds lost this first week. I am so excited!

For the first time in a long time, my focus wasn't on what I was going to eat and wishing I was eating something else. I was eating to live and not living to eat. That is why this is working. That, and God giving me the ability to not desire food like a drug. Okay, I'm done for the night. I mean it this time. Goodnight!

Day 5...

The super slow and ignorant drivers were out today. So from the start I was a tad on edge today. Fortunately I chilled out. Started the day with my usual, two scrambled eggs, at work. Around 1, me and mom went to lunch at a Sonny's BBQ place. I know what you are thinking..."BBQ!!!!????", but no worries. I ate 2 chargrilled chicken breasts and two trips to the salad bar. In the past the salad bar actually meant a ton of buffet type foods with a tad of salad. Today it consisted of one salad with all the veggies, couple spoons of ham, shredded cheese, bacon bits (should have passed those, but oh well) and a little southwest ranch dressing. The next salad was the same, but with vinegar and oil instead of dressing and a few cheese blocks. The quantity was too much, but the quality of food was good. The worst calorie/fat choice was the ranch dressing and cheese, but that's fine since I hadn't had much. I estimate the calories to be the following...eggs/150, chicken breasts/400, salads/500 for a total of 1050. I am so proud that I passed on ribs, fries, baked beans, garlic bread, bread pudding and pasta salad!!!! To top it off, I took the kids to Burger King tonight for dinner and had another pleasant surprise. Chloe ordered the grilled chicken sandwich with a side salad and fat free ranch dressing. I was so proud of her. Unfortunately, Austin wouldn't even try a bite of salad and stuck to the plain cheeseburger kids meal. I pray he eventually will branch out to other foods without the juvenile grumpy tantrum. I did not have a thing from there! Was not hungry and really I still am not hungry. I will have a small veggie only salad maybe after bit, but for now I'm good.

I feel so good about myself. The bloated gut is gone, my jeans are a lot looser and I can see that my belly sticks out less. Today my energy was the highest it has been in ages. I didn't get home until 8pm tonight. I was out walking around different stores just to get some exercise and supplies in before the expected winter weather comes tomorrow. Overall it has been a great day. I love the time I spend with my mom before the kids are out of school and I love the time I spend with the entire family together. Family means everything to me and I thank God for mine everyday. It doesn't get much better than cuddling up under the covers with my beautiful wife and falling asleep with the woman I love.

Everyday and every night I pray to God and thank him for my blessings and ask Him to help me with my weight loss adventure. It is because of God that I am not eating junk that I have been addicted to. It is because of God that I am drinking more water than pop. It is because of God that my mom is eating healthier and also starting to lose some weight. God moves so much in our lives and I am thankful for his grace, forgiveness, blessings and help.

I guess that's all. It's funny, I dreaded writing tonight due to I didn't think I had anything to say. I'm glad I logged in. This helps me unload all my thoughts, vent my frustrations and gloat the things I am proud of without seeming like I'm bragging or boring another person. Peace out, off to explore the internet.

Day 4...

I was able to fit a pair of jeans that I got a couple months ago. They are a size 52 that my Mom got me just as a random gift. The funny thing is, I have been wearing a 52 pant size that fits me great and I have one other pair of jeans that are a size 50 that are snug but fit decent. This particular pair though never were able to zip all the way up and cut me off when buttoned. So I am very happy that I have at least went down in size enough to fit them!

Nothing much else to say. Stayed great on my eating today. That's it... more tomorrow I suppose.

Day 3...

Halfway to to the weekend, woo hoo! I started today with 2 scrambled eggs. I know it is a safe food, so I stick with it. For lunch I had my first temptation. Today was a company catered holiday meal. On the menu: Turkey, ham, stuffing, mashed potatoes, green beans, sweet potato caserole, rolls, pasta salad, broccoli salad, chocolate cake, other cake, banana pudding and our choice of water, tea, or punch to drink. I had several people tell me that I should just eat what I want and start back eating right tomorrow. That same stupid mentality is why I am huge and likely why some of those who told me that are too. I walked up to the line and asked for the shredded, dry turkey breast and green beans. Our site director asked if I didn't like the other stuff. I advised him that I love the other stuff, but was trying to cut back. He gave an approving look and told me he would give me extra green beans for the effort. I proceeded to take one scoop of broccoli salad. I didn't want much in case it had sugar in it. Judging by the great Italian-esque flavor with a slight hint of sweet, I'm glad I only got a small amount of it. I had never had that type of salad before. It had purple cauliflower, broccoli, cucumbers, grape tomatoes, onion and red peppers. I know I am going on and on about this salad, but I liked it ;-) A big container with Ice, water and big uncut strawberries sat on the drink table. I asked what it was and was told just water with strawberry "essence". After two glasses of the ice water all I could taste was the essence of water. I guess they thought just a subtle strawberry flavor would be infused in it similar to how a lemon slice will flavor water. It didn't, but it was better than soda. I was so proud of myself. No rolls, no desert and no huge portions!!!! The only issue I had today was my boss giving me 6 cans of Diet Mt. Dew (my favorite pop). I drank two of them over the 9 hours I was at work. I had tried to make my new rule 12 oz diet soda a day. Not gonna get too upset though. I did drink 50 oz of water and the soda was 0 calories and sugar free.

I can tell my relationship with God is stronger already. I have always had faith in God since a child and even more once I was saved in 2001, But I have never prayed and talked to God this much. It is that faith and prayer that is keeping me from craving my addiction of food. This way of eating (smaller portions, no flour and no sugar) is very similar to low carb dieting. Usually the 3rd day on low carb I am moody and craving EVERYTHING...but I'm not. A low carb diet is notorious for causing huge weight gains when you go off of it. The thing is though, it's really not low carb or protein loading that I am doing. I'm just avoiding flour and sugar. I am eating vegetables and lean protein. I have had oatmeal and skim milk (that is a low carb no-no). So I am confident that I am doing the right eating plan. Avoiding bread would be tough, but I know it is a trigger food with no nutritional value. Of course I am referring to enriched white bread. Having a six inch sub on 9 grain whole wheat bread at Subway I will have no problem eating. If the food is going to be good for my body/health, I will eat it. If it is useless to my body, like crackers, chips, cookies, etc..., I am not eating it.

Let me get to my first grocery trip of the new adventure. I had read and heard from many sources over the years that the outer walls of a grocery store is where all the food you should eat is. Today is the first day I remembered that while there and they are right. I hit the left wall for salad mix, green peppers and green onions. I proceeded to the back wall for lean turkey lunch meat, chicken breasts and ground turkey. Then we headed to the right wall for light cream cheese, shredded cheese and eggs. Of course I did have to go down the other aisles for canned chicken (easier for work), canned veggies and diet soda. I didn't need the diet soda, but as long as I limit it. I also realize that the canned veggies aren't as nutritionally packed as fresh, but with my schedule it is good enough. I plan on making a bun-less burger or meatloaf out of the ground turkey. Some cajun seasoned baked chicken tenders one night. Maybe some lemon pepper baked chicken tenders another night. I'm making a low fat cheese ball to eat on over this coming weekend. With these options along with my quick meals of tuna, canned chicken and veggies, I feel good about my food choices.

Enough for tonight. I'm tired and ready for bed. It's too soon to weigh or see a difference, but I can feel the difference. I thank God for realizing that He can help me and that I don't have to battle this on my own. This is about being addicted to food. I will break the addiction. I'm eating to live, not living to eat.

Day 2

I'll start by summing up yesterday's food intake. I kinda got carried away and forgot to put that yesterday when I posted. I had sugar free oatmeal, banana and small skim milk for breakfast. For lunch a pack of tuna and some carrots and broccoli. For dinner I had 3 boiled chicken tenders and about a cup of greens with cajun seasoning. Grand total of my calories was about 700 calories. Yes, that was too low, but I felt full and didn't see any reason to eat just to be eating.

Today was a good day. I am loving the testimonial OA podcasts. Just hearing familiar stories really helps me know I'm not alone. I did find out that OA back in the day had a meal plan, but now does not recommend any certain diet. The people that I have been listening to have been in OA for years, so they have been eating from the "greysheet" meal plan. This is no longer endorsed by OA, but it basically is a low carb meal plan. No flour and no sugar is the rule of thumb. This makes sense. Neither of these are nutritionally vital things. You can get fiber from veggies and natural sugars in fruits. From what I have read, the group advises members to get scales and measuring cups and exactly measure the meal. So I am not quite all in on that part yet. I have been eating from small bowls or plates. This should keep my portions in check.

Today I ate 2 scrambled eggs for breakfast. I know they are only 75 calories each and are a good protein source. Not worried too much on the fat/cholesterol with the new research showing the benefits are there too with eggs. For lunch I had 4 boiled chicken tenders and a cup of greens (leftovers ;-). Tonight I really didn't feel like cooking, so I made a quickie dinner. Half a can of chicken breast and a cup of green beans. I know the sodium in the canned chicken is crappy, but the 80 oz of water I drank today should help with that. So today's calorie total was about 700 calories again. I was aiming at getting 1500 - 1800 calories a day, but if I am not feeling hungry and not feeling bad I don't see the point in making myself eat more. This may come back to bite me, but for now I see no issue.

I want to add exercise in to my routine, but I'm nervous to do so. Sunday's asthma attack and Monday's soreness and chest aches when I would take a deep breath have got me thinking twice. I know that I will be fine for a moderate walk. Sadly, that is about all I can do at this time. At 400+ pounds my body is not suitable for more than walking or some light weight lifting. Unfortunately, the weather is crappy for a walk and I can't stay after work to use the gym since I need to be home with my kids while Crystal deals with work and school. If I ever can afford it, I am going to get a family membership to the local fitness center for us.

Well, I guess I'm done. I said I wasn't going to post much this time around, but you can scratch that. This is my outlet to talk about what is on my mind without boring the wife and kids. One day at a time I am taking it. Day two is about in the books, I will worry about tomorrow when I wake (God willing I will wake). G'night.

What I learned today or Another fresh start

God,
Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change the things I can
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

Amen.

This is the Serenity Prayer that all recovery groups use. Yesterday I found an Overeaters Anonymous podcast with testimonials from male members. I did some research and pretty much helped confirm what I already knew. I am a compulsive overeater. I fiend for food the way that an alcoholic would fiend for a drink. I am not going to say that my addictions to food is as harmful as drugs or alcohol, but it is killing me and hurting my family too. As I read the prayer and listened to the testimonials, it clicked. I have been doing things with an emphasis on dieting and losing weight. The issue runs so much deeper than this. I am addicted to the euphoric feeling that food and eating gives me. Even though I feel terrible after I eat a lot (which was most of the time), the worries seemed to go away as I enjoyed the food. Then, when I got bummed I would just eat more and suppress those feelings. Today I am treating the foods that trigger my addiction as a drug. If I can't control myself with these foods, I don't want it in my body or in the house.

When I was a small kid, I hummed when I ate (per my mom and sister). At 4 or 5 I was feeling pleasure from eating. It's no wonder I am so large today. I am not going to let anyone know what I am doing. Seems to be the more people you tell that you are doing a certain "diet", the more that either criticize it or wait to gloat when you fail. I will now let God help me. I always think that my weight loss adventure is too trivial to pray over or ask for God's help, but not now. I am dying faster with each day that passes me by as a morbidly obese man. As I helped carry my Aunt's casket to the grave, I went into an asthma attack. I barely made it the whole way only to step away from the funeral to take an inhaler puff and get my weezing to quiet. Today, a day later, my shoulders and body aches and my lungs hurt whenever I take a deep breath. All that from just walking with 7 other men helping pall bearing at a funeral. Then I think about how huge my casket would be if I die this big. How huge the funeral cost would be. How there aren't enough strong guys in my family that could lift my casket to carry to it's grave. Can you imagine needing a ditch digger with chains around my casket to move me from the hearse to my grave?! No way! I refuse. I will lose this weight one day at a time.

There was a man during a testimonial I listened to that had a saying that got him through the tough times (besides the prayer). "Thin tomorrow or fat forever". He explained that his choice was to stay the course and become thin or fail and be fat forever since ultimately he would be dying a fat person. I like it and have it posted in my cubicle at work.

I've went over enough of what I am doing/thinking for today. Let me close with my starting weight for the contest that started today. It is my heaviest weight ever, but it will not last for long. I will succeed in losing over 150 pounds!

403 pounds

Nothing to it but to do it. That's all for now.

Funeral today...

Today was my Aunt's funeral. I'm gonna miss her very much, but know that she is in a better place. Not going to make this about anything else on this blog today. I'm just thankful to have a strong loving family. For as many tears that were shed, there were almost as many smiles while we reflected on her life. Rest in peace Aunt Ann.

Update...

Before I get into the weight loss stuff, I want to post something else. This past Thursday was Thanksgiving and around 2:30am I found out my Aunt had passed away. She was 72 years old, never had any medical issues that were major and was my mother's only sister. She had spoke to my mom (who lives next door) the afternoon before and had told her she had baked her pumpkin pies and was going to sit back and relax. At 2am her grandson who lived with her came in from work and found her passed away in her recliner. Apparently she had just fell asleep watching tv and passed in her sleep. We will all miss Anna Glynn, but she was a devout Christian who I know is with our Lord in Heaven.

So this being said, it reminds me even more to hold my priorities in order. Faith, family, friends and all the other stuff just falls where it falls. No doubt the decades of gravy, fried foods and snack cakes undoubtedly led to arteries being clogged and other health issues for my aunt, but with her never going to a doctor they were never found. I am in far worse health at 33 than my aunt was. She was just overweight...not obese.

I found out at work last week we are having another Biggest Loser type contest. Of course I was all about joining. No matter how off course I get on my weight loss adventure, I never stop thinking about it or making some right decisions to help me. Of course the bad me seen it doesn't start until the 29th, so I have ate without caution all week. Now I pay an embarrassing cost for all that sugar, salt and fat. That bloating I have, along with general weight gain, has made all my clothes that are funeral appropriate VERY tight. I will be a pall bearer at my aunt's funeral and only hope not to split my pants during the ceremony. This has been the ultimate smack in the face to make me even more aware how serious my food compulsion and weight issue is.

Beginning Monday I will not be writing big huge posts daily on here. I think that making my eating plan and weight loss such a huge life consuming focus is actually causing some sort of burnout that is sabotaging me. Instead, I will post any major events that may be on my mind and my successes. My starting weigh in weight I will post and maybe a goal for the next weigh in. I did order a new book that tells the story from a man who has lost 200 pounds and has kept it off 20 years. It is called Goodbye Fat Guy! by Starke Taylor. It should be here beginning of the week.

That's all for now. My latest attempt begins the 29th. All I can do is keep moving forward and not give up.

November 7th

I stayed the course 2 days. Then proceeded to go to a bakery outlet for bread and left with honeybuns and other sweet crap. After all, crap is all it is. High fat, high calories and high suger. Yes, delicious crap while eating it, but then the guilt and self loathing begins. I regret that I ate that stuff the past 2 days. I also regret eating pizza today during the football games and snacking on the kid's Halloween candy. I hate myself so much. That is the only explanation I have as to why I would sabotage my weight loss adventure. I don't know what to say or do. Every week is a new start. Every night I say I will do it this time. What a failure. As I look online at vacation ideas (daydreaming for next year), I am constantly reminded and inspired that I need to lose weight so I can enjoy theme parks, beaches and other fun things. Yet a minute later I am munching on a fun size candy bar.

I don't know, maybe it's more than loving food. Stress from work maybe. Issues at home and in marriage maybe. Lack of a hobby or interest outside of work maybe. All I know is my health, family and social insecurities should be more than enough to keep my on course...but it hasn't been.

The closest Overeaters Anonymous meeting is an hour away and during the time I'd be at work. I can't take off work or I'd commit myself into a fat farm. I'd consider wiring my jaw shut at this point.

Alas, I am my own man. I have handled the death of a child and my dad. I have handled a bad few years of my marriage. I am there for my family and for my mom thru all her medical problems. So there is no reason why I can't handle losing 150 pounds!

You guessed it, here I go again starting first thing in the morning. Just have to keep trying and have the attitude that this will be the successful attempt I am needing.

NOVEMBER 2ND

Can I just start new...again? No need to rehash the same crap. So here is a quick recap to bring you up to speed.

I got motivated to lose weight.
I stayed motivated and lost good amount of weight.
I took my Birthday in July off to eat what I want.
I stayed off the healthy eating/living for over 2 months instead of just 1 day.
I gained all the weight back.
I got desire to lose weight again.
Actually 3 times or more since.
Each attempt lasted only one day each.

So, here I am again. I have decided next August I want to go to school to work on becoming a nurse. One major hiccup is the fact I weigh 397-400 lbs right now. Obviously, I can't be this huge and unhealthy and be able to help others or even stay on my feet at a hospital for 12-16 hours a day. So besides my chest hurting, high risks of diabetes/heart disease/high blood pressure and cancer, odds of dying within next ten years, social prejudices against us fatties, my own insecurities and low self esteem, marital/parenting issues that my weight causes and the hundred other negatives...I can add inability to change careers if I stay morbidly obese.

I toyed with the idea of going to a low carb diet again. My experience with that though is gaining weight back superquick even if just one or two meals have bread/carbs. Yes I know you should never go off of it, but human nature is that I will eat bread or pasta and I shouldn't gain a weeks worth weight loss after just 2 meals. So not doing that again. It is a quick way to lose weight and I know it is the answer to many, but not totally for me.

I considered weight watchers so that me and Chloe can have meetings and structure to help. The only drawbacks are keeping track of points I eat and getting to a meeting. Then add to that a weekly fee on a tight paycheck to paycheck budget. So not it.

Slim fast or another shake diet was thought of. Then I realized I couldn't stay on it since I like food. nixed that one quick.

So, here I am wondering what approach to take. Didn't take long to realize what I had to do. Common sense healthy eating just like how I started this months ago. No rules, just smaller portions, less bread and sugars, less diet sodas and more veggies and fruits. No fried or fatty crap either.

Going to weigh in the morning at work. Going to walk on breaks.

Here we go again, wish me luck!

Well...

I had it, I lost it and now I have it back. It took until today to have my first day back eating smart. Let's not dwell on my failure to launch the past 2 weeks. I have only had one diet soda, and have the dull lack of caffeine headache to show for it. Then again, I don't have the bloated feeling that my usual 40-60oz of pop a day gives me. I got to work and threw out my candy that was in my desk drawer. The book Half Assed that helped me months ago start all of this is back at my bedside and I will begin reading it again tonight. Hopefully my daughter will see me saying no thanks to mac and cheese, cookies and chips and will do the same. Not making big goals or statements. I am simply taking it one meal at a time. I have crashed and burned after hours, days, weeks and months eating right. I know how easy it is to lose 30 pounds in 3 months only to gain it back in 1 month. I will never guarantee big weight loss...but I will guarantee that my focus will be on saving my life and leading my family to better health along the way.

Biggest Loser premier...

Lets just say that I "eased" into getting back on course. Okay, I have put good habits off until tomorrow. In fact up until an hour before the Biggest Loser show, I was eating pizza and last night I had my final (for a little bit at least) ice cream. Just wanted any possible stupid cravings stifled so that I wouldn't fall off the right path. Yes, that is against the whole thing I have mentioned before about excuses. You know, the "I'll start Monday", "I just need to get all my cravings ate before I start" and all those other procrastinating BS excuses. So I have acknowledged I have a problem (for several years now) and my most recent, and what needs to be final, lifestyle change to healthy living begins now.

Let me recap.

I had my head on straight. I was losing weight at a steady pace. My body was feeling good. I had more energy. Clothes fit me better and I went down in size. All was good in my journey. Then I took a day off on my birthday July 9th to eat what I wanted. That day has now lasted over 2 months.

I now weigh 397lbs. My chest hurts several times a week. Its hard to breath after bending over to tie my shoes or pick up something. I have had more bouts of depression and self loathing than I ever had in my life. My stress is high and my self esteem is low. I feel the worst physically, mentally and emotionally than I ever have before. If I were to be diagnosed with diabetes, heart disease or any other obesity related disease/disorder, I would not be shocked. If I don't wake up tomorrow, my family shouldn't be shocked. In case you aren't picking up the vibe, I am scared for the first time ever. I have been concerned for years, but it's way past that now.

So enough of the dreary. Here is what I am going to do.
1. Eat healthy food choices
2. Stick with recommended healthy portion sizes
3. Be active
4. Take it one hour at a time and not focus so much on the mountain of lbs to lose

No more weekly goal. I'll weigh weekly to make sure still on track, but I am not going to set a weight to be at by a certain date. Any weight lost is good for my health and self confidence. I am doing this first for my health (I want to avoid the diseases that my mom suffers from. I'm not wanting to die in my early 30s and be buried in a double wide casket that will have to take both mine and my wife's burial plots to fit me in.) I am doing this for superficial reasons (I want to feel good about my looks. I want to be able to buy clothes at "regular" size stores. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.) I am doing this for my wife (I don't want her to feel like she is stuck with a fatty husband that she is secretly embarrassed of. I want her to actually want to do "stuff" with me and not be disgusted at the thought of it. She would never say these things are true, but I don't see how they couldn't be.) I am doing this for my kids (I don't want them to be ashamed of having a huge dad. I want to ride amusement park rides, go-karts and just play with my kids without wanting to go sit in the house.) I want to lose weight while my mom is alive to see me do it. I want this soooo much. I hate myself right now. I want to change that and find my real self. The Mike that I can be happy to be. More to come tomorrow.

COMING SOON

On 9/20 Big Mike's Weight Loss Adventure resumes.

06b414d9-9e1d-4e84-bdd0-c46b9ff0fa0a

1.03.01

Again, because there's no other choice...

On July 9th, my 33rd birthday, I took a day off from my healthy eating. That one day has now lasted almost 2 months. I have not weighed in a long time, but judging by how my clothes fit me now I would say I have gained all of the weight back that I have lost. I am ashamed of how I lost focus, desire and motivation and let myself fall off track again. As I eat a chocolate Zinger (or 3), Chloe comes walking down the hall with one. How can I say don't eat that, when I'm the one who buys them and eats them in front of her. When I order a 20oz steak, how can I tell her that she should order a grilled chicken salad instead of a steak. So I don't. So now she is dealing with the same crappy weight loss adventure I am...er was on. Since my last post, I had a bout with planters fascitis (I think that's how it's spelled). Basically, heal spurs and my weight caused tendons in my foot to pull causing pain when I put my weight on my left foot. Also, my feet hurt just from walking around 1 store now. Every few minutes while mowing, I have to take a break due to getting chest discomfort and feeling shaky. My shirts are snug and 2 pair of my shorts barely button. Gone is the fruit, veggies and lean gourmet meals for work. The kitchen is now stocked with bread, lunch meats, snack cakes and chips. The water filter on the faucet has not been used in weeks as I have been chugging the diet soda (yep, still drinking diet since was raised on it as a kid). I feel like such a failure. To myself, my wife and my kids. I know that it's hurting them. I also have realized that it will be so hard to find another job if I had to at my size. Weight Watchers is $40 a month so I thought of joining, but I am not sure I will have the time...or funds to do it long term. I have got to find the on ramp back to the right path of my (and Chloe's) weight loss adventure.

Tomorrow is Labor day. Our plan is to go hang with my mom. We're making homemade tacos and playing games. She will have a homemade peach cobbler for us too. Every holiday has to include meal plans. Here is what I am going to do. I will eat two tacos, not 4 or 5. I will make them modestly and not use huge portions of beef and cheese in them. I will have a 4 bite piece of cobbler, not a 1/4th of the pan of it she has made. Before heading home, me and the family will go for a walk at either the park or our walking track at the cemetery by Mom's house.

Wednesday is our grocery day. No cakes, chips or other crap foods on the list. Me and Chloe will have salads, white meat, veggies, fruits and whole grain foods to eat on. I will keep the Diet Mt.Dew as my crutch. It's fall of the year almost and me and the family have plenty of weeks to go on walks before the cold winter days are here. I am bringing home my copy of Half Assed to start reading again.

I am a food addict. I love the taste of food. I love how I feel when I eat a good meal. Then I hate how I feel after I eat a non healthy meal. I hate the bloated feeling I get. I hate knowing it just made me stay fat another few hours just by eating it. I hate knowing that I let down myself and family by eating it. So....I eat something delicious (and bad for me) and get that euphoric feeling again and start the whole cycle again. An alcoholic can go to AA. A drug addict can go to NA. A food addict can go to OA, unless they live in they sticks of KY like I do where it isn't offered. So, with the exception of a weight watcher meeting that is $40 a month or a doctor who can write me a Adipex prescription, not much external support readily available. I have a gym at work I can use, but I only have 3 hours a night with my kids and the wife is in college for the first time so between helping with kids and trying to be here for her, I can't afford an hour in the gym a day. My support system will have to be my blog, the internet, family and God. I am more scared than ever that I will die within the next few years if I don't lose my weight. At 33 I feel tired, depressed, aches and pains that I should not feel.

So, here I go again. The tank is full, the tires are checked and I got the right directions. Today (it is after midnight I just noticed), is the first day of the rest of my life. Yes that is an old and often overused cliche, but it's true. I'm not allowing myself a day off this time. I am not making an excuse as to why it will be okay to eat crap. Wish me luck and pray for me to succeed this time...if anyone does happen to read this.

failed

yeah, all the copouts in my last few posts have gave it away. I went off my healthy eating July 9th and pretty much haven't looked back. Its true it could have been worse...but it hasn't been good. I'm gonna take a step back and figure out what the hell is wrong with me that keeps me failing. I'll be back soon to restart my adventure.

Hi. How you doing...

I have not posted and I have not weighed. For every good low calorie sensible meal I consume, There is one...or two meals that are not. One thing I am proud of is my portion size. Now it is one sandwich or burger and small fry or side salad, not two or three and biggie sized. In fact, eating out is not done near as much. My clothes still fit about the same, so I would assume my weight loss is still between 12-15 pounds total. I know this will not get me to my goal. I know I am better than just treading water. The truth is with Crystal's lower pay at work, her starting college for the first time, the kids' school supply shopping I just haven't had the extra cash needed to pay the premium prices on healthier choices at the store. My exercise has slowed due to the 90+ degree weather and my asthma issues. In short, my weight loss adventure is more of a predictable Sunday drive of maintaining what little I have lost and fight to not gain anymore back. September should free up more funds for good foods and cooler evenings for walks. Until then, I'll keep up the good fight and gradually work towards getting back to the motivation and success I had this time last month.

Remember me...

Well I have not been on here since the 13th and have seen better days. The weight loss journey has been rough. From 7/9 thru pretty much the 19th I did not watch what I ate at all. At this past Tuesday's weigh in I was shocked I was only up about 6 pounds. So I am at a 14 pound loss. Not setting any records, but I am happy with it. If I was on some fad diet, I would've gained 20 pounds during that time off. I am still not back strict, but I'm not eating stupid either. The biggest loser contest at work ended for me by fractions of a percent. Oh well, my journey continues. I go for a job interview at walmart tomorrow for a part-time gig to help with extra money. If hired, the extra hours moving around should help with the weight loss thing. Well, I have more to write but will have to do it later as I got a lot to do before bed. I'll try not to go so far between posts. FYI...my weight as of Tuesday is 383 (better than 397).

Detour...

Since I have last wrote, the adventure has stopped for a break. I intended on a one day break for my birthday on July 9th and have yet to get back to eating right. The family and I are heading camping tomorrow through Sunday, so maybe with being out and active that will help get me back on track. Then again, there will be hot dogs, smores and sandwiches for the meals along with cookies and chips. I will be watching my portions so that will make it a little better. I feel like crap compared to where I was at. I know I have gained weight since Thursday, but I also know it's not the end of the world. I have quit throwing in the towel when I do bad. I may have to wait for Monday to get 100% back on track since I will not be around a stove to make my healthy meals...and I'm ok with that. I will be fine and this weight will get lost. One week of crappy food will not derail me permanently. It's nice to be able to say that. There was a time when I would have just never logged back into this blog, turned my back completely to weight loss and gained 40 pounds. Now, I know I will weigh probably 12 pounds more next Tuesday at weigh in...but that's ok, I will still be down weight since I started and I know I can lose any weight gained this week. Well, off to prepare for the camping trip. Lots to plan and pack.

Last day of work before vacation...

Ate what I wanted today. M&M's, orange chicken and white rice...you get the picture. Gonna cookout for my birthday tomorrow. Bratwurst and burgers and maybe some chips and baked beans. I shouldn't use my B-day as an excuse, but I have been good for over a month and 4 meals won't get me back into old habits (I promise).

Weigh in day...

I lost 6/10ths of a pound this week. Not bad considering I had to weigh in jeans, not shorts and just came off of a long holiday weekend. I am going to ease up on my bread and less fruits. Even though I am not doing low carb, I feel the slow pace of weight loss is due to too many extra carbs that aren't needed. I may look back in a month and think this was stupid, but right now it makes sense to me to do. I don't have anything else to write. Well, g'night.

End of a long weekend...

and the short week begins tomorrow! I work Tuesday - Thursday and then I am off until 7/20! Today I went to the lake with the family for a couple hours. We then grabbed left over cookout foods from mom's house. Total calories for today were about 1800. Mom called me from the hotel her and my sister are staying at. She was just relaxing and enjoying getting out of SE KY. I didn't do much walking today or water drinking. My weigh in is tomorrow. I am just hoping for a loss of any number. The whole eating a good size meal late the night before a weigh in is not good for me. Oh well, I feel better regardless of the scale. I got an early morning so off to bed I go.

Happy 4th of July

Let me start with yesterday since I didn't blog any. We continued searching yard sales for Chloe a first bike. The theory was to get her a cheep one that want be so painful to watch her rough up while learning to ride. First sale we thought we had a winner. I paid $15 for a 24" girls mountain bike. Black and Pink with 18 speeds. It had some rust on handle bars. No biggie, thought I'd just sandpaper it and paint it. It had a collapsed bar near where the back tire was held, like had rusted a little or was hit with a hammer. I figured it was still strong frame and just a starter bike so it was ok. Then as I unloaded it at my mom's house (had to leave family at the sale as there was no room in car for all them and a bike), I noticed a heavily rusted chain and gears. Then I noticed the cable for the gears pulled way out of the black plastic tube that held it. I took inventory, flat tires that may not hold air, a thin metal strip fell out of the rim, rusted chain, rusty gears, gears do not change (as the cable was jerked out of the shifter), handle bars rusted, collapsed tube in frame and that's about it. Mind you, the bike looked mint except for the rusty parts. Good enough to pay $15. I knew I could get new inner-tubes, new chain, and paint the rust for just a few dollars. I wasn't going to worry about gears due to Chloe just learning wouldn't need other gears. It took mom asking if pedals went all the way around to find the fatal flaw. They didn't go all the way around. They turned maybe 3/4 way and then locked up. Had to be frozen solid with rust. I immediately took it back (since family was still there, they knew I'd be back). When I explained it, one of the 4 women working the sale said "it needs oiled". After I asked where I could possibly oil to make rusted internal steel parts to unlock the pedals, I got a shrug and they acted as if was my problem now. Fortunately the eldest of the women told the cashier nazi to give me back my money. It was then we decided to just have Chloe save her money and buy the new one at Wally World in a few months so we know it isn't crap. I want her to learn for exercise, she wants to learn because it looks fun to her. My son, however, does not want to learn. I advised him he is past the limit on his training wheels and they would need to come off. Mind you, he has been on his bike a total of 4 times in our driveway about 2 years ago. It was a 7th birthday gift that has been the biggest waste of money. I told him I would sell it if he didn't ride it. He says not to sell it, but insists I don't take the trainers off. We'll see how it goes. Ultimately, I want to lose weight enough to buy a bike and start riding too. Got a long way til I can get on a bike, so I'll just make due with teaching the kids to ride in the meantime.

Yesterday evening, Chloe went with the friend that is a boy's family to firework festival. Me, Crystal and Austin just watched the ones near our house from a parking lot away from the crowd. We then met up with the others to get Chloe and headed home. I went through drive thru to get them food. Chloe got a grilled chicken sandwich with no fries. So proud of her. I didn't get a thing and came home to veggie high fiber crackers instead. I had already ate my dinner so I was fine. It's funny how the smell of fries and burgers can make you crave and sick at the same time after eating well for awhile. Total calories for yesterday was about 1800.

Today mom had a big pot of hot dog chili and low cal/low fat hot dogs, potato salad, buns, cake, chips and cookies for lunch. I brought my own lite buns and had two chili dogs and some fat free pringles I brought with me. that was about 500 calories. Then we headed to the lake for some swim time while my sister and her family went shopping. We stayed 3 hours and all of us got burnt a little...or a lot in my forehead and Crystal's chest/face case. It was great seeing our good friends Terry and Amanda (and their girls) show up and swim with us. Unfortunately, our friend Amanda had what she thought was a sprained ankle. She was not having as good a time with all the pain. After we got home from the lake, we heard she had a broke foot. Amanda, if you are reading this, I hope you get better soon. They are great friends and I hate that she got hurt. It's never the buttholes that get hurt, it's always good peeps. We got back to mom's at about 5ish and mom was ready for me to start the grill. Yes, even with that food for lunch, we added to it with 1/3 pound burgers and more weenies. By this time, my lite hot dog buns were gone and there was no lite burger buns. So, I had a light weenie with no bun, 1 (not 3) cheeseburger on a bun with onion/tomato/mustard and more fat free pringles. This totaled 660 calories. Total calories thus far was 1160. This is awesome! Usually I would have had at least 3 chili dogs at lunch with the potato salad, chips, cookies and cake for about 1500 calories...in just one meal. Dinner would have been a chili dog, 2 cheeseburgers, potato salad, chips, cookies and brownie for about 2000 calories. So today up until 7 I had consumed 1160 calories, compared to 2660 I would have had a couple months ago. I did add more to that by 10. I had a burger patty with chili on top and a regular hot dog covered with tomato, onion and mustard. No bread or chips. This was about 600 calories. Total calories for day was about 1760. We then watched my nephew Noah light some good fireworks and our good family friends light theirs. All in all a great 4th.

Tomorrow, mom is going with my sister and her family are heading for a 3 day trip to Chattanooga, TN and road tripping it. Mom needs a good vacation and time with Lisa and her family. Mom doesn't get to go many places with her leg issues and our schedules. She definately doesn't get good quality time with just her and my sister. This will be good for all of them. I gotta admit, I'm gonna miss her. Me and mom are very close. Always have been. It was so hard when her and my dad moved away for me not to go with them when I graduated high school. Those few years they were 4 hours away sucked. Especially when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. After he passed away, mom was all alone except for the family and friends living next to her. We moved down about a 1 1/2 years after my dad died to help her out. We have did many a shopping and eating out together in these almost 10 years, but it's been mostly down here in SE KY. She has only went with us to Indianapolis a couple of times and to see her brothers in OH once. There have been an occasional trip to Pigeon Forge or Lexington, but not often. This will be a great get away for her. Her dog is at his own get away at the vets boarding room while she is gone.

I've been long winded today, but a lot was on my mind. If you got bored reading, you should have just left and came back to read a shorter post tomorrow. If you stuck with it and read it, thanks. I'm done now. I have no other thought to write. Goodnight.

Same as yesterday...

Ok, I am noticing a trend that I do not like. I have no interest in eating all day, until dinner meal. Today I started with oatmeal and a banana. For lunch I ate off of the Fresco menu at Taco Bell. My lunch was under 500 calories. I felt great. Then we went to dinner at a steakhouse. I had just about 5 little cubes of fried alligator nuggets (never had them so thought me and Chloe could do our own Bizarre Foods challenge). Not bad and not terrible calories since I had so few (they were the size of dice). Then I didn't get my big 20oz steak, but instead opted for the 10 oz sirloin that I trimmed probably 2 oz of fat off of. Once again, not bad. It was lean and grilled so did good there. Then I had a baked potato (plain...to begin with, will talk about that in a sec) and the salad bar for some veggies. That's where the crap hit the fan. I couldn't tell what dressings were what, so instead of asking a waitress I just got bleu cheese. Lotta fat and calories there. Then I had 2 slices of rye bread with butter. Lotta fat and carbs. Then I added about two tablespoons of cheddar cheese sauce and two tablespoons of taco beef from the salad bar to my plain potato. What the hell is wrong with me?!?!? I was staring at the grilled chicken sandwich and plain baked potato meal while Crystal and Chloe ordered. What causes a man to then order the less healthy. That really isn't even the issue though. The meal I ordered would have been fine. Had I not loaded my potato or got a salad bar it would have been 540 calories and about 650 if I ate the little garlic toast. But instead I added another 500 calories I'm sure. So for today, I had about 2200 calories. I went into dinner having a little over 900 calories. I have been saying that I won't beat myself up over it and can just start new tomorrow. That is getting hard to do when I screw up so often lately. I have got to man up and get past my old self trying to sabotage the new Mike. Right now, I am still on the road of my adventure. I am no where near eating as bad as I used to. I am still walking alot thru the day and keeping my calories (most days) around 1500-1800. Once again, tomorrow is a new day and I will do good.

good and the bad

Ate well balanced, high fiber foods all day. Walked at my first break at work. cooked up 4 thin and long round steaks trimmed of all fat...and ate every bite. Thats right, 4 whole skillet steaks. Now let me reiterate, these were about 4 oz each so not some big 2 inch thick steaks that weigh 8 oz each, but they were still more than I should have ate. So my total calories for day were about 2800. I gotta do better with getting past my weak moments. I'm not going to beat myself up over it though. It's over and tomorrow is a new day.

Hey, How are ya...

Feeling great today. I kept it under 1350 calories today and drank 60 oz water/green tea today. Took mom to the store and stocked myself up on good foods. Grapefruits, peaches, high fiber cereal and some lean round steak. I am getting a little bored with tuna and chicken. I looked up some things on round steak and found that lean and trim cuts in moderation are a good food choice. I will brown it in a skillet with a little extra virgin olive oil or nonstick spray and side it with a PLAIN baked potato tomorrow.

I posted my weight results for the month on my facebook yesterday. The first time I went public with what I am doing. I was so shocked at the number of friends from way back and now who posted words of encouragement for me. It gave me that little extra pat on the back I needed! I had two ask me the secret to losing 20 pounds in a month. I advised them that it was no secret. My reply was that I was making better food decisions, watching my portions and getting off my butt and walking. Knowing how I was before I started this weight loss adventure, I bet they will just go "oh" and forget about it. It is human nature to look for a secret fix or a pill to lose weight. If I were to say the secret is drinking a tablespoon of soy sauce and only eating foods that are red, they would be tempted to try it. Just eating smart isn't intriguing enough for some to try. They had birthday cake for a coworker today. I didn't even want a piece. To me, I'd rather not be a big fat dude more than I wanted cake. One of my coworkers who has struggled with weight issues said to me "that's awesome that you said no to cake. I just couldn't do it". My response was that I am finally realizing that I am stronger than food. It's the truth. I eat to live not live to eat.

I am so glad to have read the Half Assed: A Weight Loss Memoir by Jennette Fulda and to be reading From Chunk To Hunk by Fred Anderson. There are so many things I can relate to in their books. So much inspiration from their stories. Not to mention the great tips and philosophies on eating, nutrition and exercise they offer. I highly suggest them for a good read to help keep you on the road so you can stay focused on your adventure!

Weigh day aka make up ground day...

If you recall, I gained 4 pounds last weigh in day. Then I followed it up with 4 more pounds gained last Thursday which put me at 383 pounds. Well, today was my redemption day...sorta. I weighed in at 377.somethingorother. Officially for the contest, it was a loss of 1.4 pounds, but with the extra 4 pounds gained after, I really lost over 5 pounds. I didn't hit my goal of being at 369 on July 1st, but thats ok. Twenty pounds in my first month is a great start. My goal for August 1st is to be at 359, a total of about 18 pounds lost for July.

Now let me talk about today. Had late breakfast of fiber oatmeal and a banana. For lunch, a lean pocket, veggie crackers and some watermelon. Snacks at work were a 70 calorie dark chocolate bar and fiber one snack bar. Crystal made taco type stuff for dinner. I ate probably too much, but had turkey taco meat with refried beans on tostadas. These were topped with lettuce, tomato, black olives and shredded cheese. I watched Jillian Michael's tv show and got a little more inspiration. Too bad it came after I ate too much. Considering the few calories at work, I don't feel too bad about dinner. At 9pm me and the family went for a one mile walk. This actually turned into a 75% walk 25% jog for me. I have always read to not jog any until I lost more weight due to impact on the ankles and knees. They were right. I made the mile walk in 20 minutes, so that is 3 miles per hour. Not bad for my size. My left ankle and knee ache already. I am pretty sure I have a mild stress fracture in my left leg. My right hip, the one that bugs me at times, is yelling at me right now. But this won't get me down or keep me from doing it again tomorrow. I may even jog a little again if I am better...but I doubt it. I keep threatening that I am starting my food journal again and today I did. That's all I got for today. We'll have to do this again tomorrow. G'night!

Pre-Weigh day...

Today went fairly well. I had two peaches and a single serving pack of cheerios for breakfast. For lunch I had left over chicken breast, brown rice and grilled peppers. Dinner time was too late, but had to eat. I finished the last of the chicken and peppers and then ate too much by adding two low fat 40 calorie hot dogs with not so low calorie buns. Also, a 100 calorie ice cream (those awesome ones that are now thankfully gone) and a fiber one bar. Tomorrow at 1130 is weigh in at work. There is no way that the weight of all I have ate will be out of me by then, but as long as I have a loss I will be happy. Nothing else going on. I will make sure to post tomorrow the weigh in results.

Long time no blog...

Yep, it's been awhile since I have written anything. I've been busy with other things and really has been too late for me to get online lately. On Thursday night, me an Crystal got to go out on a date night as our kids had a sleepover at my mom's house. We browsed some stores around town and had dinner at Applebee's. Now used to, I would have had a big burger and fries or a fried appetizer sampler platter. Of course things are different now. I instead chose one of the under 550 calorie meals, chicken dijon w/portabello mushrooms and steamed veggies. It was really good, even if it was a little difficult for a minute to get used to the small portions compared to the huge plate I used to see in front of me. My motivation got even stronger Thursday morning when I weighed and found myself up another 4 pounds. So just to be clear, that is 8 pounds I gained since last weigh in (as of Thursday). So Thursday was a perfect day.

Friday was a great day. I started the day with watermelon at work for breakfast. Then I met my old buddies that lost their jobs at work for lunch when I got off at noon. We met at an Italian restaurant that has the best strombolis and calzones...and all you can eat breadsticks. I didn't do it! I didn't cheat! I opted for grilled chicken breast with a side salad. I dipped my fork in the side of ranch dressing, so no flooding my salad with fat and I also only drank water. That evening, me and the family went to the relay for life cancer event. We must have walked the small track 30 times. Thankfully I got me a good pair of walking shoes before we went to it, so I was feeling pretty good. I usually don't like eating late, but after getting home at 9:30pm and not eating since about 1, I had to break that rule. I cooked up some lean turkey burgers and had two on high fiber low calorie bread with lettuce and tomato. Then I added 100 calories of chips (not a healthy food, but did measure controlled portion) and some pretzels w/spicy mustard to dip. It was a huge dinner that hit the spot...and was only 800 calories. My total calories for Friday was about 1600. I also found some 100 calorie ice cream sandwiches which are awesome!

Saturday was a lot of walking. Starting the day with a sub from subway and then took mom to get her hair done at 2 and ran errands while she was there. Then we walked the shopping center getting Austin some shoes. After mom got out of her appointment, we drove about 45 minutes to another town west of ours to go to the drive-in theater. We had about 3 hours to waste before the theater gates opened. We walked around a couple stores in a shopping strip and then around a small indoor mall. An early dinner came at Wendy's. I chose, along with my daughter, the grilled chicken sandwich and side salad w/light ranch. That was about 400 calories. So far up until the movie started, I had consumed about 1200 calories. Then the movie started and so did my bad habits from the past. I ate an entire medium popcorn (no buttery oil on it though), handfull of veggie wheat thins, small pack of fruit gummy snacks, 5 fried cheese sticks, 3 chicken nuggets and ranch dressing to dip them in. I know, epic fail. I felt like crap after both movies ended. We went to the local walmart by the theater after the movies, about 2 am. We walked around for about an hour there, so I felt a little better by the time we headed on the 45 minute drive home at 3am. After dropping off mom, we got home at 4am and quickly went to bed. Total calories for the day, approximately 3400.

So here we are at today. Slept til noon. Straightened up the kitchen and put together a marinade for my chicken I'm grilling (hopefully) tonight. We planned on trip to the beach at the lake but storms hit before we were able to. If the rain doesn't leave, I'm just going to bake the chicken. The marinade I experimented with is: lime juice, little cider vinegar, extra virgin olive oil, soy sauce, minced garlic, thyme, cayenne pepper, paprika, curry, dijon mustard, pepper and a pinch of salt. I'll post how it tastes tonight or tomorrow. The only thing at this point I've ate today has been low sugar/high fiber oatmeal and a 100 calorie ice cream sandwich (told you they were awesome). So 270 calories as of 5:20pm. I'm not hungry either. I think my body knows how stupid I ate last night and is still processing all that crap. About 6 or 7 I'm going to make the chicken with some veggies and brown rice. That way I can be done eating well before bed time.

One last thing. I had mentioned I was at 383 pounds on Thursday. Thankfully, I weighed today and am at 372 pounds. The crap I ate last weekend is finally out of my system I guess. Now I just need to hurry and get rid of the crap I ate last night.

Back in the fast lane

Today was a great day. I was able to get back on the road and feel good tonight. I used to keep a food journal, but got lazy with it. I think it really helped, so tomorrow I am going to start it back again. Today I kept track in my head and I have had about 1700 calories. High fiber light bread and fat free turkey sandwiches (2) for dinner w/some pretzels, watermelon, oatmeal and grilled chicken salad at work. Then I ended the night with some really great watermelon. I gotta get down to 374 for me to be happy next Tuesday at weigh in. That will get the 4 pounds I gained off, plus one for the road. Overall, I want to be under 370 when July begins if at all possible.

We went grocery shopping tonight. I bought plenty of chicken breasts, ground lean turkey and some lean pockets for quick healthy eats. Apples, peaches, watermelon and will get bananas Friday (cheaper at other store). I did buy diet cola, but you know as long as my eating is good and I'm drinking water too, a good cold diet cola can be my treat...and there is no fat or sugar to run me off the road. Once again I waited too late to write so I am not taking as much time as I'd like to finish my thoughts. That was the point of my blog, to vent my thoughts and ideas about my weight loss journey along with other things. Unfortunately, I will have to go more in depth later. I'm tired and everyone else in the house is already asleep. G'night and thanks for stopping by to read a little bit.

Weigh In Day!

I gained 4 pounds today at weigh in. This takes me up to 379.2. Wasn't shocked, considering how I ate Sunday. It was more than I figured though. I then broke my vow not to eat stupid after a bad weigh in. I ate perfect at work only to go buy pizza for dinner. Not only did I sabotage my eating healthy, I put that crap in front of my kids to eat. The only good part is I did mow the lawn tonight and burnt some of those calories...not enough to cancel it out, but a little is better than none. Tomorrow is store night so I can get my good and healthy food in stock. On a side note, the stress I was under for financial reasons has been lessened. It's still not gone all the way, but I have found some breathing room. I won't bore you with details, but I thank God for answering a prayer. Well, I am back on track tomorrow and know I will be fine. I hope to lose at least 5 pounds this week. I got a new book to read. It's called "From Chunk to Hunk, Diary of a Fat Man" by Fred Anderson. I am a fourth of the way into it and it is pretty good. Just like the book Half Assed, it is someone who has travelled the road I am on and succeeded at losing tons of weight. No real advice in it that I haven't heard or knew, but that is what I wanted. I just wanted a good inspiring, motivating and real story to give me some hope when I am having a rough day. Goodnight, I'm tired and heading to bed.

Fathers Day

Today was very good. Went to church and then out with the family to eat. Mom treated me to a steak lunch (so I was off my good eating today). We took time to tell stories about Dad and on the ride home I talked even more about him to the kids. I took the kids for ice cream before we got home...yes I had some too. Not proud of how I ate, but I got my mind off the stress for awhile and had a good day. It's a lazy day, so not much to write about. Well...guess I'm done.

Afternoon at the lake

Went swimming with the family at the lake today. Stayed about 3 hours and got a good belly/chest burn. When we got home, I fired up the grill and put some chicken and veggies on it. I have a killer sweet tooth but am fighting temptation to eat ice cream and snacking on animal crackers instead. I didn't feel like blogging last night and really don't feel like it now but I know me staying on track depends on it. I am still stressed and can't shake the dreary feeling that Crystal's paycut has caused. I look everyday for either a higher paying job for her or a decent PT job for me/her. I really do not want to take a $7.25 hour job part time due to by the time taxes are taken and the fact I will only be able to work about 20 hours a week, I would have very little money for my time. I am still confident we will get through this, but I need it to hurry and get better before we lose something. It's not just the bills and fun money that are hurting, but the stress it is putting on me and Crystal is not good for the marriage. We have been through many bad things so I am not worried about us, but I also hate the constant bad moods that a lack of money causes. Nothing else to say.

Friday Eve!

Austin is spending night at friends house, Chloe getting clothes ready for tomorrow's GT camp play and I'm trying to suppress the stress. I went for a mile walk this evening and ate well all day. Unfortunately, I made two peanut butter sandwiches in a moment of stress eating. I really am having a rough night. First off, I feel like I am losing connection with my family due to them always wanting to be around the friends/boyfriends family. I am happy they all have these best buddies (Crystal included), but I almost feel that just having time to ourselves as a family is over and done with for them and that they will only be happy if our families are stuck up each others butts. Don't get me wrong, they are nice folks, but I guess I am just jealous that my family always wants them around or to be around them. Then I got Crystal's paycut killing our money situation. This is the worst we have been financially. Everyone has a slump and I know ours will end eventually, but it sucks making good money only to have the wife make just over minimum wage after making $2.50 more an hour just a few months ago. On top of that I got two great kids that should be able to go on a nice vacation like their friends and I wont be able to take them anywhere. I feel like I have completely failed as a dad and husband for not having my household in better financial shape. I guess it is inevitable that I need to get a second job, which also adds stress. Not only do I have the pressures of my day job and everything else, now I will be having to give up my nights to another job just to break even. I didn't intend this to be a vent session tonight, but its my blog so I will use it as needed. It is weight loss related though since stress leads to overeating and causes water retention. I'm spent...going to bed and try to feel better about life in general tomorrow. G'night.

Just got home!

Nothing metaphoric about todays blog title, I really just got home. As soon as I got to my Mom's house to pick up my son (daughter is at school GT camp), I ended up taking my Mom places. First we went to Arbys to eat. I had the small size combo roast beef sub. Not terrible considering I used to get the large combo and a side item or small sandwich with it. Today at work I only had an apple, can of chicken breast, half a can of greens and bowl of oatmeal so my total daily calories are right where I want them...maybe a lil bit higher. So after we ate, it was off to the pharmacy and then to the grocery store. Long story short, by the time I took her home and then got myself home it was a little before 10. I am wore out! No walk tonight like I had hoped, but I should get one in tomorrow. Today at first break I actually walked around the parking lot at work instead of sitting on my butt. By lunch though, it was way too hot and humid (my asthma would have been at level 10 I am sure).

As I was shopping tonight, I couldn't help but see foods in a new way. As the large woman in spandex shorts and a stained tank top walked by, I wondered if she might feel better and take more pride in her appearance if she changed some of her food choices. Twinkies, mayonaisse, donuts, bologna, chips and candy were the main choices I noticed. I was doing that same shopping just over a month ago. That's why I know that she most certainly would feel better about herself and have a little more pep in her step (and less grease stains on her shirts).

I headed down the produce section and picked up some apples. I used to find myself saying they were so heavy it would be too expensive to buy them individually and then wait for a magical sale on bagged apples that never hardly happened. Now, I pay the $1.69 a pound and feel good that I am eating something good for me and only paying about 50 cents each for them. Then I headed to the middle aisles. The majority of items here I am avoiding. This is more mac and cheese, hamburger helper and cereals for wife and kids. With the exception of canned veggies, I am avoiding all that starchy, sugary and sodium filled crap. Back to my foods now. I headed to freezer section for some chicken breasts. Back in the day I would see $7 a bag and think that was a lot to spend and would just go grab a $2 frozen pizza or $4 bag of chicken nuggets, but I never had an issue spending $8-$10 on just my food at fast food. Now I see at least two meals made out of that $7 chicken breasts, for three people (Austin won't touch it, but we are used to making him a separate meal sometimes). Cruising down dairy aisle, I grab some light flavored yogurts to eat along with my oatmeal at breakfast or when I have a sweet tooth. Get skim milk for Crystal to use when cooking. Yes, 2% or higher cooks better, but the kids never notice the difference in mac and cheese or on their cereal and they avoid unnecessary fat and calories. Ok, I've went on long enough. Point is I can easily identify bad foods from good and when I do eat bad foods (Arby's small size combos) I know not to eat much else and not to do it often. The store can be a eating right killer, so it's best to know thine enemy and avoid the bad neighborhoods in the store!

Yes, this is a boring blog, but I am writing this for me and to keep me on the right road on my weight loss journey. Maybe it will get better as the pounds drop off of me. G'night.